The Two Towers: Man, I Can't Believe I Read That Thing So Fast

So I was completely prepared to hate The Two Towers as much as I hated Fellowship of the Ring and therefore spend another three months reading it. But instead it has only taken me about three and a half weeks. I'm proud of myself. I think I deserve an ice cream slushie.

Alright, I cheated a little. Whenever someone started making a really long speech, or when J.R.R. Tolkien was describing the scenery, I just skipped over it. Saved me a lot of time. And I still perfectly understood everything that was going on, so stop looking at me like that.

The Two Towers was much better than Fellowship. Much, much better. I think a big part of this is from there being two halves of the book. The first half focuses on Strider, Legolas, Gimli, and Gandalf. Sadly, Boromir is killed in the first chapter. In my opinion he was the strongest character in the first book, so I was quite angry when he was killed by Orcs. It also seemed odd that he was killed at the beginning of this one when it would have made a lot more sense for it to have happened at the end of Fellowship, right after his confrontation with Frodo.

Anyway, there was actually a battle! A big one! And they kill people Orcs! And Legolas and Gimli have this awesome contest where they see who kills more people Orcs. Alright, I have to ask. Is there a reason Tolkien made the enemies inhuman? I've noticed that no countries support the Dark Lord. All he has are Orcs and Ring Wraiths. Is Sauron really unable to get any regular humans/elves/dwarfs/corrupt nations on his side? Just curious.

Another good part: there was a confrontation with Saruman. I like Saruman. He's like a less-boring Gandalf. He also has a tower. A really tall one. Really, who needs an entire castle when you can just have an extremely tall tower? Not to mention that during this confrontation Gandalf and company were on the ground while Saruman was on a balcony. Yep. A balcony. That tells me that this tower is so tall that if Saruman was standing on the roof, no one would have been able to hear him. Also, that man can sing!

I found that on accident right before I got to the part with Saruman. So I was quite surprised when Legolas didn't shoot Saruman in the book. I was also quite disappointed when Saruman didn't break into song.

Frodo, Sam, and Gollum take the stage in the second half. I can't decide if I hate Gollum or feel sorry for him. I also can't decide if I want Sam to kill Gollum, or Gollum to kill Sam. Sure, Sam is my favorite character now that Boromir's dead, but he was a complete jerk to Gollum.

Anyways, Frodo and Sam make a cute couple. They hold hands, Frodo sleeps with his head on Sam's lap, and after Frodo dies Sam decides that life is not worth living and he would rather be dead with Frodo.

Yep. Frodo dies. Only he's not really dead. Just like Gandalf. So I will keep hoping that Boromir returns in the next book.

The Fellowship of the Ring: It Sucked, Then It Got Decent

Alright, so it took me much longer than I expected to finish The Fellowship of the Ring. That's not a good sign. If I am enjoying a book I can usually finish it in under a week, even if it's pretty long. So the fact that I spent several months getting through the Fellowship says a lot.

So what is it that I dislike about this book? For the most part, it's the characters. There's too many of them. Usually I like books that have a lot of characters, but none of these have much of a personality. Even Frodo, the hero of the story, is rather blah. Merry and Pippen (and later on Legolas) have almost no lines, and it is too easy to forget about them. When Strider was first introduced, I thought he was awesome. That was when it was just him and the hobbits. But when Gandalf, Gimli, Boromir and Legolas came along, Strider was pushed to the side and lost alot of his charm.

As for the ones I liked: Sam and Boromir. Sam is just a sweetheart. He's a country hick. I love him. Although I am convinced that he's in love with Frodo. There is a ridiculous amount of bromance between them, too much for them to just be friends. And Boromir, I can't say enough about Boromir. In my opinion he had the most well defined personality in the whole book (which isn't saying much, to be honest). He's the only one who has an opinion of his own and doesn't just blindly agree with everything Gandalf or Strider says. He's loyal, as shown when he wants to go back and defend Minas Tirith even when no one else in the Fellowship thinks it's important. Not to mention, he's right about the Ring: if the right person got ahold of it they could easily drive out the evil forces. Too bad these traits make him seem like a jerk to everyone else.

But the character I hated most was Gandalf. I have nothing positive to say about him at all. It seems like he was only created for exposition, and when the exposition was all finished there was no longer a need for him. While each of the other characters have very few lines, Gandalf never shuts up. Just look at chapter two. It's a long chapter, and most of it is Gandalf explaining what happened in the past to Frodo. Pure exposition. It's like J.R.R. Tolkien didn't even try to disguise it. And we're supposed to believe that Frodo didn't know any of this before the book starts? Honestly, it was only after Gandalf dies that I started liking the book. (And then he comes back in chapter five of The Two Towers, sadly.)


Just a few things that confused me:

• Tom Bombadil (He was fun, just... odd)
• Everyone randomly breaks out into songs all the time. I was not expecting that at all.
• If Frodo's quest is supposed to be a complete secret, why is it that most of the people he meets seem to know that he's the Ring Bearer?
• The Black Riders are unable to enter towns, or at least buildings.
• I'm really surprised that the wizards are unable to teleport. It would make this series a lot shorter.

Sorry I complained so much. I'm really tough on books, especially ones that are supposed to be really good.

What I learned Freshman Year

1. Not much.
2. How to make an omelette.
3. How to make an event on Facebook.
4. I'm pretty sure Evans 4 is haunted.
5. Evolution is the change in allele frequencies over time.
6. Everyone has an identical twin on campus. Mine plays the banjo.
7. I also have a black twin.
8. Polyester does not shrink in the dryer.
9. My cute blue sweater did shrink in the dryer.
10. Beauty and the Beast is a great movie.
11. Knitting is cool.
12. Gatorade is good, but Kool Aid is better. And cheaper.
13. I can go an entire school year (possibly several years) without watching any tv shows. However, I cannot go a month without Nintendo.
14. Chicago should be its own state.
15. Chemistry sucks.
16. Everyone knows Spanish except me.
17. Cheesy Valentine cards are awesome.
18. Artificial sweeteners “were all discovered accidentally by sloppy chemists who didn't wash the chemicals off their hands before leaving the laboratory.” ← quote from my chem professor's website.
19. Flash drives are supposed to help you keep track of your files, but they usually get lost on the abyss of your desk, ensuring that you never find your essay again.
20. Milk parties are the best parties.
21. Carbon is a magical element. In fact, a diamond is just a giant carbon molecule. Someday I hope to get a giant carbon molecule.
22. It's tacky when you end a list with a number that is a multiple of five.

The Terrors of the Toilette

It is very common for people to be afraid of rather silly things. There is a phobia for just about everything; democrat-phobia, chopsticks-phobia, the-French-phobia, and mother-in-law-phobia, among many others. Although, those phobias aren't that scary. Not compared to perhaps the most horrifying sensation ever known to man: the public bathroom. There are many types of these terrible toilets, from those that are so clean they are nearly tolerable to the worst of the worst, which is what we'll be discussing here today. The school restroom.

Now, I know what you must be thinking. “Gee, Elizabeth, school restrooms aren't that bad. And they're definitely not any scarier than those awful chopsticks.” Since you're thinking that, it is very obvious that you have never actually considered what a school bathroom is. It is a congregation of evil bacteria. Yes, I said “evil” bacteria. Unlike the angelic bacteria, evil bacteria like to eat us poor humans while we sleep. I heard a story about a young man who was skipping class and hid in the restroom. He fell asleep while texting and was eaten alive. It's true. I heard it from a friend who heard it from his friend who heard it from her Great Aunt Sally. If evil bacteria aren't enough to scare you, let me show you other reasons why school restrooms should make you quiver in your boots.

One of the most important things in a public restroom, or even a private restroom for that matter, is privacy. No one wants to take care of her business with the whole world watching. Unfortunately, privacy is a very rare miracle in the average school restroom. It is just so hard to find a stall that is functioning properly. For some stalls, the doors don't even close. These doors are lined up so crookedly that they are literally impossible to shut. How hard can it be to line up a door? It's an easy task; one that even I have accomplished without too much difficulty. And there is a wonderfully simple test that can be done to figure out if the door is lined up right. Try to shut it. If the door won't shut, then it is lined up wrong. And once the anxious restroom-goer finally finds a stall that shuts, the lock for that stall is misaligned. It is actually quite sickening because those locks are simple and are just as easy to install as the criminally crooked door.

If by some supernatural occurrence a stall is found that both shuts and locks, chances are there is liquidized human waste on the seat. Why is it on the seat? No idea, but this is a breeding ground for the evil bacteria. To fight off the evil bacteria, the terrified restroom-goer must reach for some toilet paper to wipe off the mess. But there is a problem here. The shocked restroom-goer finds that the toilet paper roll is tragically empty. Where did all the toilet paper go? Look around and you will see that it is all on the floor. Why? No idea. Maybe someone couldn't make it to the stall and had an accident all over the floor. That is the only sane reason I can think of.

Let's say the terrified restroom-goer makes it past all of those obstacles. The only challenge left is the sink. In ancient myths, the sink is the cleanest part of the bathroom and where the evil bacteria are the least likely to hang out. In real life, this is sadly not the case. There are usually two scenarios involving the bathroom sink. In one the drain is blocked by hair weave and gum wrappers. Why are those things in the sink? Once again, I have no idea, but they cause the sink to overflow. This makes washing hands improbable. The other scenario involves the soap dispenser. It is always empty. Let me reiterate that. Getting soap out of the soap dispenser is an achievement equivalent to winning the gold medal at the Winter Olympics.

These are only some of the terrors of the toilette, the others are far too terrifying to describe here. All I can do is frantically urge you join my campaign against the evil bacteria. I think it is enough to say that school restrooms are enough to make even the bravest of the brave want to hold it in until the end of the day.

Lord of the Rings

I finally have it in my possession. "The Lord of the Ring". This is one of those books/series that have been on my must-read list for some time. Ever since I stumbled upon a heated argument online about whether Dumbledore or Gandalf was more awesome, I knew that I would have to read these books (by the way, no one can beat Dumbledore. No one). And then large group had this as a theme, and I knew it was time to bite the bullet. So I ordered them from Amazon and they finally arrived today. Now I'm scared.

I know next to nothing about this series, but I've been told it can be tedious. Apparently J.R.R. Tolkien can spend five pages describing a leaf. Frightening. But no matter how dull it gets I will read this series all the way through. I plan on blogging it, maybe not chapter by chapter, but whenever I've got something pointless to say about them or if I want to complain about the plot, I'll write something.

I've never seen any of the movies, and this is one of the few series where I have no clue how it ends. Which is exciting, I don't remember the last time I read something with out spoilers.
This is what I know off the top of my head:

• Someone is named Frodo. I think he's a hobbit, whatever that is.
• One cannot simply walk into Morder.
• Gandalf dies and comes back to life. I think he's a demi god or an angel. And he says "Thou shall not pass!"
• Gollum is a creepy little thing.

Something I just noticed. It's called "The Lord of the RingS". Plural. I always thought "Ring", singular. I'm clueless.