It is very common for people to be afraid of rather silly things. There is a phobia for just about everything; democrat-phobia, chopsticks-phobia, the-French-phobia, and mother-in-law-phobia, among many others. Although, those phobias aren't that scary. Not compared to perhaps the most horrifying sensation ever known to man: the public bathroom. There are many types of these terrible toilets, from those that are so clean they are nearly tolerable to the worst of the worst, which is what we'll be discussing here today. The school restroom.
Now, I know what you must be thinking. “Gee, Elizabeth, school restrooms aren't that bad. And they're definitely not any scarier than those awful chopsticks.” Since you're thinking that, it is very obvious that you have never actually considered what a school bathroom is. It is a congregation of evil bacteria. Yes, I said “evil” bacteria. Unlike the angelic bacteria, evil bacteria like to eat us poor humans while we sleep. I heard a story about a young man who was skipping class and hid in the restroom. He fell asleep while texting and was eaten alive. It's true. I heard it from a friend who heard it from his friend who heard it from her Great Aunt Sally. If evil bacteria aren't enough to scare you, let me show you other reasons why school restrooms should make you quiver in your boots.
One of the most important things in a public restroom, or even a private restroom for that matter, is privacy. No one wants to take care of her business with the whole world watching. Unfortunately, privacy is a very rare miracle in the average school restroom. It is just so hard to find a stall that is functioning properly. For some stalls, the doors don't even close. These doors are lined up so crookedly that they are literally impossible to shut. How hard can it be to line up a door? It's an easy task; one that even I have accomplished without too much difficulty. And there is a wonderfully simple test that can be done to figure out if the door is lined up right. Try to shut it. If the door won't shut, then it is lined up wrong. And once the anxious restroom-goer finally finds a stall that shuts, the lock for that stall is misaligned. It is actually quite sickening because those locks are simple and are just as easy to install as the criminally crooked door.
If by some supernatural occurrence a stall is found that both shuts and locks, chances are there is liquidized human waste on the seat. Why is it on the seat? No idea, but this is a breeding ground for the evil bacteria. To fight off the evil bacteria, the terrified restroom-goer must reach for some toilet paper to wipe off the mess. But there is a problem here. The shocked restroom-goer finds that the toilet paper roll is tragically empty. Where did all the toilet paper go? Look around and you will see that it is all on the floor. Why? No idea. Maybe someone couldn't make it to the stall and had an accident all over the floor. That is the only sane reason I can think of.
Let's say the terrified restroom-goer makes it past all of those obstacles. The only challenge left is the sink. In ancient myths, the sink is the cleanest part of the bathroom and where the evil bacteria are the least likely to hang out. In real life, this is sadly not the case. There are usually two scenarios involving the bathroom sink. In one the drain is blocked by hair weave and gum wrappers. Why are those things in the sink? Once again, I have no idea, but they cause the sink to overflow. This makes washing hands improbable. The other scenario involves the soap dispenser. It is always empty. Let me reiterate that. Getting soap out of the soap dispenser is an achievement equivalent to winning the gold medal at the Winter Olympics.
These are only some of the terrors of the toilette, the others are far too terrifying to describe here. All I can do is frantically urge you join my campaign against the evil bacteria. I think it is enough to say that school restrooms are enough to make even the bravest of the brave want to hold it in until the end of the day.
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